The way we interact with others in the present is the result of a series of learnings, stories, and challenges we’ve faced throughout our lives. Many years have passed, during which we’ve been in constant contact with our environment, receiving feedback from those around us, from situations, and from our emotions—our internal experts who provide us with valuable information. All of this feedback, often unnoticed, gradually shapes our behavior, interpretations of the world, and emotional experiences.
When we realize that our way of relating to others is not aligned with what we truly value, or we’re not satisfied with the way we’re interacting or the relationships we’re building in our lives, it’s worth reviewing the factors we’ve learned along the way. These factors can evolve into patterns that may become problematic if they stray from what we really want for our lives.
Let’s explore some actions we can take to work on how we relate to others, whether in family, romantic, social, professional, or friendship relationships. We must keep in mind that each story is unique. There is no one-size-fits-all way to relate; it depends on our needs, interests, styles, tools, values, and many other factors. Therefore, it’s not useful to compare our relationships or relationship styles with others. As you read through the following key points to reflect on your relational style, try to identify the points that align with your needs. If you find it difficult to pinpoint them, you can always talk to a professional who can help you explore this part of your life.
1. Understand Your Strengths and Challenges in Relationships
The first step is to know yourself better. What characteristics do you bring to a relationship? What are you willing to offer, negotiate, or compromise on? What do you want to share with others, in terms of interests, likes, and values? What role do you expect a relationship to play in your life, and what are your priorities? Once you have this clarity, it will be much easier to recognize when a relationship feels satisfying and aligned with what you truly want.
2. Recognize Patterns in Your Relationships
If you notice that you tend to attract the same type of person or fall into similar patterns in relationships that don’t fulfill you, it’s important to remember that while you can’t control who you meet or how others behave, you do have control over the kind of relationship you choose to engage in and build. You can ensure that your part of the relationship aligns with your values by setting clear boundaries, being authentic, and doing what’s valuable for you. If you still find that the relationship doesn’t align with your values, consider alternative approaches to address it, but without sacrificing what is important to you.
3. Address Challenging Areas in Your Relationships
If you identify specific challenges—such as issues with trust, self-esteem, emotional regulation, or assertive communication—that are hindering your ability to build the kind of relationship you desire, it’s important to seek tools and resources that can help you develop the skills needed to address those areas. By improving these skills, you will be able to bring the best version of yourself to your relationships.
4. Building and Maintaining Meaningful Relationships
A meaningful relationship requires ongoing effort and conscious decisions. Building and maintaining relationships that matter to us involves flexibility, adaptability, and sustainability. It’s important to ensure that the things you’ve practiced in your relationship that are working well—like healthy communication—continue to be nurtured. If you’ve developed a strong communication channel in the relationship, make sure you’re actively maintaining it.
Final Thoughts: Shared Responsibility in Relationships
Remember that relationships involve at least two people, which means that not everything is under your control or that of the other person. The fact that you’ve done the necessary work to reach the place you’re at in the relationship doesn’t guarantee that everything will work out as you expect. There are many factors beyond our control. What we can focus on, however, is ensuring that our actions and decisions align with what is truly valuable for us.
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